Growin' Up

I wish to remain in disbelief that time changes things. Summer turns into spring and before  we know it, it's winter again. As much as I choose to ignore it, I must divulge its  ever apparent presence. My world is changing daily. It sounds silly, but I find myself both laughing and crying as the days with my children pass by. I'm ever grateful for their presence, but I know it wont be long before they're talking about moving out, and getting married... and growing old. Perhaps the topic weighs so heavily on my mind right now due to the recent passing of my grandmother, "Nana."

It's bittersweet.

This past summer I had the exceptional opportunity to take senior pictures for two of my sisters who will be graduating this coming year. It's hard to accept that the sisters I have always cared so deeply for will soon be venturing off into the great unknown to start their own  real  lives. My heart aches to know if they will live close in distance... or keep in contact. I love these girls.

Back to School

  I can't believe summer is over. It went far too fast, leaving me with a list of "things I still planned to do this summer to be the coolest mom in the universe!"  It really flew by and I'm sad to not have my three amigos home all day, everyday for a while.

 Connor began counting down the days he would head back to school well before summer vacation ever began. We took him out of the preschool he was attending the previous year for numerous reasons, and he was clearly showing signs that it had been one of the worst. decisions. EVER. I let my hope to save the money we didn't have, and were forking out for preschool, along with the desire to create new friendships through an at home preschool overshadow what HE needed. I regret that decision and the fact that HE is the one left to suffer for it. 
Back to school night was held August 23 from 4-6pm. We didn't arrive until nearly 5:30, as Jay wanted to attend despite his work schedule. The boys and I checked the list outside the school- took note of his teacher and headed in. The three amigos and I walked to the pre-k wing of the school, which we knew first hand from Brenden's run through Pre-K just the year before. We walked... and walked... and walked... (Very much unlike pioneer children, we didn't sing...but grumbled. "My feet hurt...I'm tired! ...and hungry! Did you pack a snack? Moooooom, I know your carrying Jacob, but can you pick me up toooooo?" 
*Gratitude moment!* (Thanks Heavenly Father, for allowing us to be alive in this modern day in age where we don't have to trek through thousands of miles together. We wouldn't make it.) 
Anyway... Back to School. Supplies strung across one arm- Jacob on the other and big-littles dragging their feet, we finally...make... it. Or so I thought. Apparently, Ms. Elizando's class is on the OTHER side of the school, located nowhere near any of the other pre-k classrooms, playground, bathrooms, or cafeteria. Man how I would have liked to pinch whomever set this April fools joke up. 
Trudge... Trudge... Trudge... The handles of the school supply bags are breaking at the seams. Connor steps on my toe, ripping my big toe nail, in almost all of its entirety off. It hurt. It hurt SO bad. But trudge is what we continued to do.
Alas, we arrived at his classroom. We were instructed to wait outside while Connor stood by the classroom door and took a picture. Snap-snap-snap. We're in! Finally! I put Jacob down and proceed to sign myself and Connor in. Not even two second after walking in the door, in the middle of writing H-a-l-e... a voice snaps "Sign in!" -y--H-i-n-o-j... "And then put all of your school supplies in those bins! When your done, come here. I have homework for you." 
Wait a minute... What! Me? Homework? ...Umm... Ma'am, I have a degree. 
After finally signing in, and helping the boys sort school supplies into their proper bins, I walk over to the table for "homework." I am drilled on how Connor will be getting home. My response of "After the first week he will be riding the bus home" wasn't suffice. "What number?" "Well," I said, "I was under the impression there only was one bus, as he is in morning pre-k." "Oh! Well. I still need a bus number... because if I put him on the wrong bus, its going to be you calling back and yelling and screaming about how he didn't get to where he needed to be." "Ooooo-kay. I will have a bus number for you monday morning." 
At this point, Jay arrives in Connors new classroom, which we aren't "allowed" to explore because "we haven't yet learned the rules." I was in complete shock. How is it a pre-kindergarten teacher can feel it is credible and advisable to shoo a child out of his new classroom, and away from the ability to explore what will soon be his surroundings because he "hasn't learned the rules yet." 
Needless to say, the taste in my mouth didn't come out with dinner that night... and Monday didn't prove to be a whole lot better.

His first day was bittersweet for me. On the one hand, I knew this is what Connor needed. He needed a teacher, and a classroom that would help enable him to be the intelligent, kind, and loving child he is. On the other hand, I was worried this wasn't going to be the classroom that would provide that.
I have since been led to feel as though Connor is in his class for a reason. He is there to learn- and grow- and to gain the best start in his educational journey. As his advocate, I have had him retested for speech. I have yet to receive the results, though I know what they will be. Connors speech articulation trouble will be classified as "appropriate for his age" and he will not have "scored low enough to partake of their services." I also know that their answer wont be good enough for me. Remember that part about being his advocate? Yeah... thats me! 
Week three is now upon us. Connor still struggles to write his name by himself, although he can trace the letters if I use a "dotted" print. He can also count to 30 with fewer skips in numbers. I love him.- and I'm proud of his accomplishments thus far. I see a lot of myself in him. A second child who lives happily in the moment. Unconcerned with whether or not everyone else knows how to write their name in cursive by the age of 4, or what Algebraic equation they're working on. He's just Connor. And I think he's perfect.

Brenden's back to school night was much more of a breeze. This year Brenden was one of the privledged few who were accepted into the dual language program offered through the school district. We were ecstatic for Brenden. He whizzed through Pre-K, and we knew if he was placed in Kinder, he would do the same... with boredom on his shoulder. 
Towards the middle of his Pre-K year he began acting out. Not physically. He became mouthy towards adults. "I don't have to do what you tell me." "You aren't as smart as I am." and mimicking and repeating everything we would ask him to do. It was frustrating, but I knew it was because he was bored. How many times can you teach a child to write their name when they've been doing it since they were two and a half? How many numbers can you count to, when a child can count endlessly...He knew all his letters, sounds, colors, shapes, addition, subtraction, etc, etc, etc... He was a smarty pants, and knew it.  His acceptance into the dual language program meant he would be challenged!
Mr Juarez was amazing. He was a cool, down to earth teacher who wasn't afraid to be a little silly. He gives high fives, and positive encouragement, and understood that although my husband can speak spanish... the rest of us were as single-languaged as they come. He answered all of my questions, and calmed my nerves. He allowed all three of my littles to explore and play in the classroom. I felt so welcomed, and knew Brenden would be in good hands.

Brenden's first day went off without a glitch. Mr. Independent requested I drop him off in front of the cafeteria. "No need to walk me in, Mom. You can just wait in the car with Connor and Jake. I don't want you to worry about carrying them around." Can I shed a tear? I dropped him off as requested, and yelled sweet nothings from the open car window. I knew I had to get Connor to school too (as they attend different schools due to Brenden being in the DL program.) but I needed to check on my little man first. I nervously parked the car and took Jacob and Connor into the cafeteria. There I watched Brenden carrying his breakfast tray back to the table. I helped him carry his milk and find a place to sit. I asked a nearby cafeteria monitor about their morning pickup routine and explained everything to Brenden as cool and casually as possible. He gave me a kiss and said "Thanks Mom. I'm really okay though." And off we went. 
He has come home from school each day eager to teach me what he learned. He sings spanish songs about colors, and I try to translate the little bit of spanish I can recall. He corrects me, and we both laugh together. He's speaking quite a bit, and his teacher said he's right on track. We'll look over his test scores in the next few weeks to see how well he's doing so far. 

And the storm rages on.

Her eyes are sad. Swollen from the tears and heartache.
When will she feel whole again? 
When will the worth and value that she holds shine through the darkness that surrounds her.
She feels alone. So alone.
Her heart is broken into a thousand pieces in the wind and she'll never be able to capture them all.
She'll never be the same.
Yet she goes- and she does, trying not to serve those in need of her. 
Turning the other cheek when others whisper.
Feeling so alone.
She's empty. Alone.
Where are the people who claimed to care? The ones she held close through their darkest hours?
She waits alone.
She's alone.

Learning to smell the roses

If I could just stop.

Perhaps I'd smell the roses.  see the peace and beauty the sun has to offer shade provides on a hot Texas summer day. I'd get up from my exhausted side lines view and join the fun to be had

If I would just stop.

I could stop scurrying around cleaning my house all day long, as I wouldn't be bothered by the prospect of who might ring my doorbell and see that my house has 3 VERY active boys who live here.

If I just stopped.

I wouldn't worry about the things the world had to offer, because I would know that nothing could ever compare to the things I already have... the things the world could never give me.

Stop.

Family- a Journey to Forever

 

I just can't express how much I LOVE spending time with my family. I'm grateful our family has been blessed with Jay working a 4 day work week, to enjoy quality time together, away from the everyday roles and responsibilites of being a parent.

 

This wednesday while waiting for Brenden to arrive home on the bus, Jay and I extracted a list of things we wanted to do that day. We tried to keep it simple, as typically we spend Jay's days off running around and taking care of errands. I wanted this day to be different. I wanted to enjoy the peace that would come if we filled our day, not with plans, but with time. Time for eachother.

 

Our list included:

Go to the temple and take PICTURES

Get lunch somewhere to avoid hungry-bellied melt downs

Find Home Goods and SHOP

 

First on the list, after making our way to Stone Oak (the area of San Antonio where the temple is located. It's about 25 minutes away.) was to find food. I was hungry, so I knew the littles had to be hungry... and what better way to enjoy a family day than free kids meals with the purchase of Jay and my meal. We headed to Freebirds. I of course ordered nachos, and Jay followed suit. The boys were thrilled to have their very own plated filled with chicken and cheese quesadillas, rice, beans, tortilla chips and juice boxes, as typically I coarse them into sharing a plate. While eating, I noticed a young teenaged boy sitting alone at a table, awaiting his friends who were in line to order food. I thought of how strange it was that he wouldn't want to eat anything... especially at Freebirds. As time passed, I continued to take note as the boy kept his head down, staring at his phone and twiddling with the buttons, only nodding occassionally as his friends talked, laughed and filled their bellies with burritos. I could recall the times, many years ago, when I was that kid- with no food, not because my stomach wasn't starved for it, but because I had no means to buy anything. I knew Jay would understand too. After a quick and quiet family discussion, I handed Brenden two dollar bills to go buy a cookie to give to the young man without food. He beamed with delight at the thought of making the young man's day with a simple gesture. It wasn't long before Brenden came back, head hung to the floor, and cookie still in hand. I quickly asked what had happened, when he explained that the boy didn't want the cookie. Feeling undefeated, and hoping to teach my sweet son the wonderful blessing of giving to others, I took Brenden by the hand and walked to the young mans table. After explaining he purchased the cookie to brighten the boys day, the teen boy took the cookie and said "Thank you, buddy."

 

I knew it had to have been embarrassing accepting a cookie from a 5 year old boy in front of all your friends. I also knew that my heart grew an extra few inches for the willingness my family had to serve others. We may not have bought a burrito- or helped to clothe anyone.... but I know that though teenage eyes didn't show it, our gesture was appreciated.

 

Next stop was the Temple.

 

Oh how I love the Temple. The simple peace we felt as we arrived on the grounds was wonderous.

 

 

 

 

 

The boys enjoyed walking the grounds together and delighting in the beauty of the day. The weather was perfect. With full bellies, their attitudes were perfect. I couldn't have asked for more.

 

This was Jacobs first time walking the temple grounds. He beamed at the sight of lush green grass, despite the Texas drought. He ooooohhed and aaaaahhed over the bright, beautiful flowers in full bloom. 

 

 

I don't recall how long we spent at the temple- enjoying the beauty of it, and the time we had together. We were in no rush- with no real plans to attend to. We spent a good portion of time taking photos, and allowing Brenden to discover his love for photography. Connor seemed eager to gain a greater understanding for the plants and shrubbery, as well as the builders who were so dilligently working to complete the outdoor elevator.

 

 

Jay and I didn't mind having our photo taken either. It isn't often we have a picture of just the two of us- and occassionally, I regret that. We've come a long way.... not that I had doubts we would... But I would have enjoyed having some "wrinkle-free" photos to show my future daughter in laws one day. 

 

 

Taking pictures of the temple is so easy. Looking at them almost makes me feel as though they were painted; the way the building structure and lighting looks almost "too perfect" to be real. Isn't it a shame that most things made by man tend to omit a feeling of natural beauty? Perhaps thats one of the reasons the temple grounds are so peaceful.

 

 

I've been dying to have a photo with all three of my sweet boys holding hands and looking up to the temple. It's a vision I pray they keep, and treasure as much as I do.

 

After the temple, I was ready to shop... but without a word, Jay quietly drove the car in the opposite direction. I wanted to say "Wait! Don't forget I wanted to go to Home Goods!!" ...but ultimately I knew he hadn't. I had been talking about it for nearly a week, since a sweet friend of mine told us it was here in San Antonio. I was thrilled to be able to go, as it was one of the many treasured stores my thrifty home decorator Grandmother loved to go. Instead, we made our way across the street to McDonalds. Brenden left the temple on a semi sour note due to his unwillingness to follow directions and stay with our family while crossing the street. Jay was determined not to ever leave the temple on such a note, and began taking orders for ice cream as soon as we reached the drive thru. It wasn't long before Jay and I agreed it would be a better idea to let the boys indulge on their cones outside of the car. We parked in the parking lot next to a large patch of grass. We let all three boys out, and spent the next hour slowly licking our cones, and enjoying the day.

 

Finally the time had arrived and we were Home Goods bound. Jacob fell asleep in the car on the quick 5 minute trip, and Jay, being the sweet husband he is, knew I would have more success if I was allotted some "alone time" to paroose the store by myself in hopes of finding a treasure. I spent a while. I don't know how long, really... but it was enough time for me to look at everything I wanted to and get a sense of the store. I fell in love with a few peices, but couldn't think of the perfect place to put them in our home. Eventually I made my way back out to my boys, and convinced them to come look with me. We cruised the store with me pointing out things here and there that I had seen, but without an overwhelming feeling that I really needed or wanted anything. It was bittersweet. I wanted something soley because my Grandmother, with her impecable taste in decor would have found something beautiful there.... but ultimately I knew I couldn't justify the expense when I thought of the current condition of our home. Messy. If I can't keep what we have clean and organized, what sense does it make to add more?

 

We made our way home in silence. Not the awkward silence that sometimes strikes when your trying to make new friends, or talk to someone you haven't seen in forever... but the silence that allows your mind to think freely- with no real rhyme or reason- because it's content.

 

Content. Peaceful. Alive. Thats what wednesday brought. Thats what spending sweet memorable days with my boys brings. It's what we all live for, isn't it? We just want to find peace... so we can be content... and feel alive.

 



 

Take a chance

As I take a moment to reflect upon my life and the wonderful people that have been brought into it, I can't help but feel as though the friendships I've made have hardly been by chance. Each person who has walked along side me in my pathway of life has made a ripple- much like a stone being cast into a lake. Occassionally I've allowed myself to get lost in the water, focusing more on where the stone lands and who cast it verses the greater effect the stone will have on the lake over time. I've realized with time, that who I am today is every bit as much to do with who I was yesterday and who I ultimately strive to be.

Priorities change. People change. Friendships fade away... and often times the only thing your left with is a big, heavy stone in the bottom of the lake and two choices. The choice to be greater than who you were, or the choice to allow your mistakes, your fears, and promises that have been broken you to weigh down on your life and who you ultimately want to become.

I consider a quote I recently read that said something along the lines of 'Be today who you want to be tomorrow.' As a young mother, I consider those words and want to heed their warning as much as I want to follow their dream. 'Be TODAY who you want to be TOMORROW.'

Who do I want to be? How do I become that person that I don't yet know? It's all in a day's work... One day- one step- one moment- one choice at a time.

I often find it easier to store away lifes past events- refusing to embark on the memory of their happenings, with the hope that one day that greate big rock in the lake will allow them to sink. Instead, I'm often haunted by their reality in lifes most trying times. Like most, I'm not as strong as my best face. You know... the one you put on to pretend as though you couldn't possibly relate to the problems facing so many today.

I don't want to show that face. Instead, I want to scream to the whole world that despite all my trials... and challenges... and despite the fact that deep down... like... really, really deep down, I'm not okay...
But, I know I will be. Because I know tomorrow brings hope- and sunshine- and peace. And if I live today like I want tomorrow to be- despite the rain clouds looming over, I have friends who love me for ME.

I'm grateful for that.... because I know it's not by chance.

Mommy Failure

Have you ever felt overwhelmed in your own skin? It's as though you know your capable of so much more than the reality that you accomplish within the sun lit hours of the day- yet you fall short again and again?
In a nutshell, thats how I feel.
Overwhelmed.
Within the last year I've noticed a drastic difference in Connor's speech compared to that of Brenden's at the same age. I often find myself asking Connor to repeat himself over and over again until I'm able to make out some variation of what he's trying to express. And, with all the hassle of repeating himself dozens of times, he never once complains... Just repeats. And repeats. And repeats.
C:"Mommy! Yesday when we went to da stow and you bought da bahdujsbgkf, we fogot to buy da bed (bread) too."
M: "We forgot to buy the what, Connor?"
C: The bahdujsbgkf!
M: The bagels?
C: No! The bahdujsbgkf!
M: The bag of stuff?
C: No, we fo-got to get daaa bahhh-dujjjjs-bgkf!"
M: Oh. Okay Connor. You'll have to remind me next time.
Failure.
Seriously. It's a complete Mommy failure to not understand what your own child is trying to convey to you. It's a complete Mommy failure to GIVE UP trying to understand a word that sounds like a foreign language. It's a complete Mommy failure to not know how to help.
Several months back, Jay and I got sweet Connor tested by and speech and language pathologist. The woman conducted several tests, and provided us with scores. She was highly impressed by Connors ability to use and understand language. It was his articulation of certain letter sounds that was concerning. He scored a 14. Meaning, 86% of kids Connors same age can articulate letter sounds better than he can. After submitting the claim to insurance in hopes of starting Connor on a speech regimin, insurance would not authorize treatment. Due to Connors high scores in other areas, his trouble with articulation constitutes merely as an "educational delay" and not a "medical necessity."
Call me crazy- but is it not medically necessary to communicate?
Thats when we turned to the district. At the time, Connor was attending Childhood Expressions preschool. His amazing teacher, Ms. Tasha directed me to our school district for help. Once again, however, we were turned away. Connors score of 14 was "too high" to qualify for help. In this below exemplary school district, one must score a "7" or below in order to receive help. They suggested I wait a few months and have him retested to see if his score dropped. In the meantime, I was to try to create games out of making letter sounds, and practice nonstop.
Which is where our repetition has come in. "Connor, can you say 'Sssssssss-nake?'
C: "Nnnnnn-ake!'
M:" Oh, that was good. Can you try it like me? Watch my mouth. 'Ssssssssss-nake!"
C: "NNNNNNNNNN-ake!"
M "Good try Connor. Lets do it one more time!"
C: "I CAN'T do dat with my mowf!"
Overwhelmed.
Mommy failure.
How can I help a child who is so bright, and so wonderful, articulate his letter sounds so others can discover what a fun, ingenious little boy he is.
I seem to be failing on my own. And unfortunately finances don't make it easy to put him back in school, to help enrich his ingenious- and help his speech bloom in a new setting.
I just feel so... overwhelmed. Like, a mommy failure.