And the storm rages on.

Her eyes are sad. Swollen from the tears and heartache.
When will she feel whole again? 
When will the worth and value that she holds shine through the darkness that surrounds her.
She feels alone. So alone.
Her heart is broken into a thousand pieces in the wind and she'll never be able to capture them all.
She'll never be the same.
Yet she goes- and she does, trying not to serve those in need of her. 
Turning the other cheek when others whisper.
Feeling so alone.
She's empty. Alone.
Where are the people who claimed to care? The ones she held close through their darkest hours?
She waits alone.
She's alone.

Learning to smell the roses

If I could just stop.

Perhaps I'd smell the roses.  see the peace and beauty the sun has to offer shade provides on a hot Texas summer day. I'd get up from my exhausted side lines view and join the fun to be had

If I would just stop.

I could stop scurrying around cleaning my house all day long, as I wouldn't be bothered by the prospect of who might ring my doorbell and see that my house has 3 VERY active boys who live here.

If I just stopped.

I wouldn't worry about the things the world had to offer, because I would know that nothing could ever compare to the things I already have... the things the world could never give me.

Stop.

Family- a Journey to Forever

 

I just can't express how much I LOVE spending time with my family. I'm grateful our family has been blessed with Jay working a 4 day work week, to enjoy quality time together, away from the everyday roles and responsibilites of being a parent.

 

This wednesday while waiting for Brenden to arrive home on the bus, Jay and I extracted a list of things we wanted to do that day. We tried to keep it simple, as typically we spend Jay's days off running around and taking care of errands. I wanted this day to be different. I wanted to enjoy the peace that would come if we filled our day, not with plans, but with time. Time for eachother.

 

Our list included:

Go to the temple and take PICTURES

Get lunch somewhere to avoid hungry-bellied melt downs

Find Home Goods and SHOP

 

First on the list, after making our way to Stone Oak (the area of San Antonio where the temple is located. It's about 25 minutes away.) was to find food. I was hungry, so I knew the littles had to be hungry... and what better way to enjoy a family day than free kids meals with the purchase of Jay and my meal. We headed to Freebirds. I of course ordered nachos, and Jay followed suit. The boys were thrilled to have their very own plated filled with chicken and cheese quesadillas, rice, beans, tortilla chips and juice boxes, as typically I coarse them into sharing a plate. While eating, I noticed a young teenaged boy sitting alone at a table, awaiting his friends who were in line to order food. I thought of how strange it was that he wouldn't want to eat anything... especially at Freebirds. As time passed, I continued to take note as the boy kept his head down, staring at his phone and twiddling with the buttons, only nodding occassionally as his friends talked, laughed and filled their bellies with burritos. I could recall the times, many years ago, when I was that kid- with no food, not because my stomach wasn't starved for it, but because I had no means to buy anything. I knew Jay would understand too. After a quick and quiet family discussion, I handed Brenden two dollar bills to go buy a cookie to give to the young man without food. He beamed with delight at the thought of making the young man's day with a simple gesture. It wasn't long before Brenden came back, head hung to the floor, and cookie still in hand. I quickly asked what had happened, when he explained that the boy didn't want the cookie. Feeling undefeated, and hoping to teach my sweet son the wonderful blessing of giving to others, I took Brenden by the hand and walked to the young mans table. After explaining he purchased the cookie to brighten the boys day, the teen boy took the cookie and said "Thank you, buddy."

 

I knew it had to have been embarrassing accepting a cookie from a 5 year old boy in front of all your friends. I also knew that my heart grew an extra few inches for the willingness my family had to serve others. We may not have bought a burrito- or helped to clothe anyone.... but I know that though teenage eyes didn't show it, our gesture was appreciated.

 

Next stop was the Temple.

 

Oh how I love the Temple. The simple peace we felt as we arrived on the grounds was wonderous.

 

 

 

 

 

The boys enjoyed walking the grounds together and delighting in the beauty of the day. The weather was perfect. With full bellies, their attitudes were perfect. I couldn't have asked for more.

 

This was Jacobs first time walking the temple grounds. He beamed at the sight of lush green grass, despite the Texas drought. He ooooohhed and aaaaahhed over the bright, beautiful flowers in full bloom. 

 

 

I don't recall how long we spent at the temple- enjoying the beauty of it, and the time we had together. We were in no rush- with no real plans to attend to. We spent a good portion of time taking photos, and allowing Brenden to discover his love for photography. Connor seemed eager to gain a greater understanding for the plants and shrubbery, as well as the builders who were so dilligently working to complete the outdoor elevator.

 

 

Jay and I didn't mind having our photo taken either. It isn't often we have a picture of just the two of us- and occassionally, I regret that. We've come a long way.... not that I had doubts we would... But I would have enjoyed having some "wrinkle-free" photos to show my future daughter in laws one day. 

 

 

Taking pictures of the temple is so easy. Looking at them almost makes me feel as though they were painted; the way the building structure and lighting looks almost "too perfect" to be real. Isn't it a shame that most things made by man tend to omit a feeling of natural beauty? Perhaps thats one of the reasons the temple grounds are so peaceful.

 

 

I've been dying to have a photo with all three of my sweet boys holding hands and looking up to the temple. It's a vision I pray they keep, and treasure as much as I do.

 

After the temple, I was ready to shop... but without a word, Jay quietly drove the car in the opposite direction. I wanted to say "Wait! Don't forget I wanted to go to Home Goods!!" ...but ultimately I knew he hadn't. I had been talking about it for nearly a week, since a sweet friend of mine told us it was here in San Antonio. I was thrilled to be able to go, as it was one of the many treasured stores my thrifty home decorator Grandmother loved to go. Instead, we made our way across the street to McDonalds. Brenden left the temple on a semi sour note due to his unwillingness to follow directions and stay with our family while crossing the street. Jay was determined not to ever leave the temple on such a note, and began taking orders for ice cream as soon as we reached the drive thru. It wasn't long before Jay and I agreed it would be a better idea to let the boys indulge on their cones outside of the car. We parked in the parking lot next to a large patch of grass. We let all three boys out, and spent the next hour slowly licking our cones, and enjoying the day.

 

Finally the time had arrived and we were Home Goods bound. Jacob fell asleep in the car on the quick 5 minute trip, and Jay, being the sweet husband he is, knew I would have more success if I was allotted some "alone time" to paroose the store by myself in hopes of finding a treasure. I spent a while. I don't know how long, really... but it was enough time for me to look at everything I wanted to and get a sense of the store. I fell in love with a few peices, but couldn't think of the perfect place to put them in our home. Eventually I made my way back out to my boys, and convinced them to come look with me. We cruised the store with me pointing out things here and there that I had seen, but without an overwhelming feeling that I really needed or wanted anything. It was bittersweet. I wanted something soley because my Grandmother, with her impecable taste in decor would have found something beautiful there.... but ultimately I knew I couldn't justify the expense when I thought of the current condition of our home. Messy. If I can't keep what we have clean and organized, what sense does it make to add more?

 

We made our way home in silence. Not the awkward silence that sometimes strikes when your trying to make new friends, or talk to someone you haven't seen in forever... but the silence that allows your mind to think freely- with no real rhyme or reason- because it's content.

 

Content. Peaceful. Alive. Thats what wednesday brought. Thats what spending sweet memorable days with my boys brings. It's what we all live for, isn't it? We just want to find peace... so we can be content... and feel alive.

 



 

Take a chance

As I take a moment to reflect upon my life and the wonderful people that have been brought into it, I can't help but feel as though the friendships I've made have hardly been by chance. Each person who has walked along side me in my pathway of life has made a ripple- much like a stone being cast into a lake. Occassionally I've allowed myself to get lost in the water, focusing more on where the stone lands and who cast it verses the greater effect the stone will have on the lake over time. I've realized with time, that who I am today is every bit as much to do with who I was yesterday and who I ultimately strive to be.

Priorities change. People change. Friendships fade away... and often times the only thing your left with is a big, heavy stone in the bottom of the lake and two choices. The choice to be greater than who you were, or the choice to allow your mistakes, your fears, and promises that have been broken you to weigh down on your life and who you ultimately want to become.

I consider a quote I recently read that said something along the lines of 'Be today who you want to be tomorrow.' As a young mother, I consider those words and want to heed their warning as much as I want to follow their dream. 'Be TODAY who you want to be TOMORROW.'

Who do I want to be? How do I become that person that I don't yet know? It's all in a day's work... One day- one step- one moment- one choice at a time.

I often find it easier to store away lifes past events- refusing to embark on the memory of their happenings, with the hope that one day that greate big rock in the lake will allow them to sink. Instead, I'm often haunted by their reality in lifes most trying times. Like most, I'm not as strong as my best face. You know... the one you put on to pretend as though you couldn't possibly relate to the problems facing so many today.

I don't want to show that face. Instead, I want to scream to the whole world that despite all my trials... and challenges... and despite the fact that deep down... like... really, really deep down, I'm not okay...
But, I know I will be. Because I know tomorrow brings hope- and sunshine- and peace. And if I live today like I want tomorrow to be- despite the rain clouds looming over, I have friends who love me for ME.

I'm grateful for that.... because I know it's not by chance.

Mommy Failure

Have you ever felt overwhelmed in your own skin? It's as though you know your capable of so much more than the reality that you accomplish within the sun lit hours of the day- yet you fall short again and again?
In a nutshell, thats how I feel.
Overwhelmed.
Within the last year I've noticed a drastic difference in Connor's speech compared to that of Brenden's at the same age. I often find myself asking Connor to repeat himself over and over again until I'm able to make out some variation of what he's trying to express. And, with all the hassle of repeating himself dozens of times, he never once complains... Just repeats. And repeats. And repeats.
C:"Mommy! Yesday when we went to da stow and you bought da bahdujsbgkf, we fogot to buy da bed (bread) too."
M: "We forgot to buy the what, Connor?"
C: The bahdujsbgkf!
M: The bagels?
C: No! The bahdujsbgkf!
M: The bag of stuff?
C: No, we fo-got to get daaa bahhh-dujjjjs-bgkf!"
M: Oh. Okay Connor. You'll have to remind me next time.
Failure.
Seriously. It's a complete Mommy failure to not understand what your own child is trying to convey to you. It's a complete Mommy failure to GIVE UP trying to understand a word that sounds like a foreign language. It's a complete Mommy failure to not know how to help.
Several months back, Jay and I got sweet Connor tested by and speech and language pathologist. The woman conducted several tests, and provided us with scores. She was highly impressed by Connors ability to use and understand language. It was his articulation of certain letter sounds that was concerning. He scored a 14. Meaning, 86% of kids Connors same age can articulate letter sounds better than he can. After submitting the claim to insurance in hopes of starting Connor on a speech regimin, insurance would not authorize treatment. Due to Connors high scores in other areas, his trouble with articulation constitutes merely as an "educational delay" and not a "medical necessity."
Call me crazy- but is it not medically necessary to communicate?
Thats when we turned to the district. At the time, Connor was attending Childhood Expressions preschool. His amazing teacher, Ms. Tasha directed me to our school district for help. Once again, however, we were turned away. Connors score of 14 was "too high" to qualify for help. In this below exemplary school district, one must score a "7" or below in order to receive help. They suggested I wait a few months and have him retested to see if his score dropped. In the meantime, I was to try to create games out of making letter sounds, and practice nonstop.
Which is where our repetition has come in. "Connor, can you say 'Sssssssss-nake?'
C: "Nnnnnn-ake!'
M:" Oh, that was good. Can you try it like me? Watch my mouth. 'Ssssssssss-nake!"
C: "NNNNNNNNNN-ake!"
M "Good try Connor. Lets do it one more time!"
C: "I CAN'T do dat with my mowf!"
Overwhelmed.
Mommy failure.
How can I help a child who is so bright, and so wonderful, articulate his letter sounds so others can discover what a fun, ingenious little boy he is.
I seem to be failing on my own. And unfortunately finances don't make it easy to put him back in school, to help enrich his ingenious- and help his speech bloom in a new setting.
I just feel so... overwhelmed. Like, a mommy failure.

Green Machine

Have I introduced you to my new obsession?

Just three weeks ago I ran into a phenomenal blog. Okay, maybe that's a stretch. I didn't simply "run into it." I was actually kindly taken by the hand, walked all the way to the blog site door, and then sweetly invited inside.  The blog did an amazing job of uncovering some of my previous perplexities regarding couponing with real life advice and sample shopping lists!

Prior to the "big day" I did some safety runs. I wanted to see if walking into a CVS store with little cash on hand, and breaking up my purchases would really score me tons of free/inexpensive items. The first days cost? $13.00 My loot? Cepocol, Childrens Advil, (4) 12 packs of soda, toilet paper, kleenex, thermacare heat pack, 20 oz soda, hotwheels car, glad plug in, airwick plug in, powerade, havarties mints, shaving cream and more!

So when Thanksgiving came, my heart was pounding. I had already seen the blackfriday ads listed online- and my heart was set for CVS. I was about to walk into the store with no cash on hand, and walk out with over $30 in products for FREE. That's right folks, free. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

And that's exactly what I did. In fact, the deals were so good, I sent Jay back for a second round using his own CVS care card. In the loot I scored two sets of ear buds, 4 free toothbrushes, two bags of mouth plackards and AA batteries! Cheesy? Maybe. But I bet you wish you had found something free.

Seriously... try it out. If you live near a CVS- take advantage! Walgreen's has some good deals periodically too, though I don't understand their ad shopping/sale couponing nearly as well as I do CVS. (Which obviously stands for Coupon-Value-Savings) :)

If my post got you in the mood to go save some green, hobble on over to Moneysavingmom.com She'll take you by the hand and walk you through how to coupon based on coupons and ads. You'll be glad you did.

Picture This!

When my camera wasn't lost, the battery was dead. If the battery capability was up to parr, the Sim card was lost. When all was in tact, Mommy was no where to be found....

Going back to school during this time has been one of the best decisions I could have made for myself... and my family.

My children are not being shoved off into the arms of another woman whom I'm forced to share custody with and write out a monthly "child support" check to. I haven't been so overburdened with school work that I've lost the desire to be emotionally, mentally or physical present in the my children and husbands lives. We continue to go to church, excite in family getaways and thrive on quality time well spent.

However, with all good things, something has got to give. In this case, it has been the photographer in me that has escaped. Maybe the blogger too. And a little bit of the quality control chef. Hey- we eat, but, I'm sure theres a nice family, several doors down, eating a much nicer meal.

Challenging that concept, I broke out the camera this evening only to find the battery worn and on the verge of death, the Sim card buried beneath piles of school assignments and the cap removed, with fingerprints lining the lens.

I cared not. I snapped away- ignoring the tattered trees, and displeasing angles. Instead, I focused on my subject... my world- my boys.

Pictures- the worth of a thousand words. Memories. Moments I'll never again get to recapture.

Pictures. Something I long to have more of. To consume myself with. Something that will, in the end, "pay off."

When my world has grown and moved away, I'll have pictures to keep my memory company. What a gift. What a treasure.